Since my boy Billy Mays died, they started playing the “Pitchmen” marathon so I finally got to catch a few episodes. Out of all the recent celebrity deaths, I would have to choose the Billy Mays one to be the most tragic. Can’t hate on the man for pimping the system.

The show’s cool, it really shines a light on the personal life of the guy with the shoe polished beard on TV yelling at you to buy detergent. The best episode I saw was the one where he was told that ‘Sham Wow’ was picking up steam and outselling ‘ZorBees’ or some shit like that. I didn’t even know what ‘ZorBees’ was. My boy felt threatened and reinvigorated, fool actually decided to do a whole new infomercial on his own dime to reclaim the market. Hay Buey.

Shit was hella funny, he looked all pumped up, even when they gave him the 3 count that they were about to start recording, he started taking heavy breaths to get ready. At least he took his business seriously and didn’t just sign off on products.

Anyway, we need someone else to carry the torch cuz we can’t remain pitchman-less. I say Ron Popeil should come out of retirement until they find someone else, the hooker-abusing Sham Wow guy doesn’t cut it.

Cop Land is one of those movies that feature a lot of well known actors but never really captures your attention. You figure that maybe you should watch it but you’re never compelled to actually do so. I saw this a few weeks ago and I barely even remember it, my instincts were right.

I’ll start by saying that it can be argued that Stallone did do a good acting job with this character, the fact that it’s a half-deaf quiet loner small-town sheriff that is fixated on a married woman kinda takes away from the accolade. At least it proves that he can play a pendejo really well. What I clearly respect though is that Stallone gained weight specifically for the role. Se mando a la verga bien bonito. And here everyone thought he was just washed up….

The big problem with the movie is that it’s a totally different role than what he had taken on before. I was expecting him to bust out OTFABS status when he was getting punked by other cops, but he didn’t. He disappointed me. Maybe it’s unrealistic expectations, but isn’t it fair to assume that when someone is cussing him out to his face you expect to see a machete wielded out of nowhere and have the camera follow the head as it makes it’s way on it’s new found trajectory? I think not. After sitting through most of the movie, there is a hint of OTFABS flashing over Stallone’s face as he’s getting reamed. However small that hint was, it managed to offer a lot of hope. Never mind the fact that there were only 30 mins left in the movie and that full OTFABS transformation would have been totally out of character, it had to happen. It didn’t.

The plot is one of conspiracy, I remember the vague details but it’s nothing interesting enough to even try to remember or even want to talk about. The actors did a pretty good job, the obvious taint on the film is by Ray “The Wack Ass Italian” Liotta. That fool’s garbage, somehow he still has that look on his face like he’s auditioning in front of a panel.

One plus I’ll give this movie is that DeNiro was pretty bad ass. The character itself wasn’t all that interesting, but the fact that at times you could hardly recognize him is impressive.

Anyway, this is largely a waste of time. Not too bad but you can definitely watch something better.

I must really be slacking because I hadn’t added my old friend, Sauza Gold. This one’s the shit. Not because it tastes all that great, but because it’s quite possibly the best bang for the buck out there.

It doesn’t taste too harsh and the sweet gold flavor it has is enough to mask it’s strength while giving it a bit of personality. May I add that it mixes very well with squirt or coke? Quite. With the right amount it tastes damn good, the flavor plays really well with cola so have at it. It’s amazing how better tasting tequilas that cost more don’t mix as well as Sauza Gold.

Usually we find the 750mL for $10.99 on sale, snatch one of those up just about every week. The looks you get are priceless, like you’re buying some ghetto shit. It’s almost not even worth the time explaining that it’s actually quite good, fuck it the less people buy it the more low key it remains. We can’t have everyone buying this and Sauza realizing they can jack up the price on this gem.

The 1.75L a.k.a “The Jug” usually runs for $21 on sale. Oh my God the amount of inebriation that comes out of that is priceless. This has officially become my default Tequila of choice, cheaper than other good shit and anything cheaper or equal to this tastes significantly worse. Once in a while I’ll delve into some higher quality stuff but this is where it’s at most of the time.

Clash of the Titans, swole VS swole.

Mmmm sea por Dios.

Bone has always been one of my favorite groups even if their track record has been kinda spotty. That can be attirbuted to the incarceration of Flesh, and Bizzy not seeing eye to eye with the group when it comes to getting paid.

T.H.U.G.S. was released by Ruthless to squeeze out the remaining cash from the group since they have moved on. This album is comprised of previously unreleased work. Although that’s usually an indication of the quality of the songs, there’s always a chance that there’s going to be something that didn’t make it on a record that is sick as fuck.

I’m not really feelin’ the album but I did download two songs: “Everyday Thugs” and “Don’t Waste My Time”. Those are some fucking chill tracks, especially “Everyday Thugs”. That’s a bad ass cruising song and I’ll use it appropriately.

Hahahaha! This has got to be the sickest Scarface impression I’ve ever seen:

Motherfucker has it down. I didn’t think Bas could get any doper but he continues to surprise.

Mexican television usually gets away with showing more graphic content in their news programs, I remember seeing people jumping out of the Twin Towers on 9/11. CNN said that there was more footage that they decided not to show, out of moral/ethical choices or some shit. Too late, I seen that shit on “Spanish TV”.

Just when I thought ‘Primer Impacto’ had some shocking shit, I was not prepared for what I saw when I came across Azteca America’s ‘Al Extremo’. The show can best be described as ‘Real TV’ meets ‘Faces of Death’. You see people jumping from rooftops and splattering on the ground, fools being lynched, burned alive, and shot in the head. All in it’s entirety. It’s hard to watch this for more than 5 minutes and not feel like a sadistic bastard. Oh, and they sensor titties…. what kind of society is this??

The remains of car accidents, brains being scooped up by the cops, all the type of shit I hadn’t seen since the “Red Asphalt” videos in High School’s driver’s ed class. There was one video where they forced ex Hussein military guys to dig their own ditches, get inside while tied and blindfolded and get shot in the head. When it was time to do the second guy, you can see him quivering and the announcer said some stupid shit like “if you look closely you’ll notice he just pissed his pants”. That’s another thing about the show, the announcer almost tries to make light of the situation. He says shit like “muri? por una estupides…. al extremo!“.

A staple of every show seems to be Salvadorean videos of lynch mobs clamoring for street justice when they catch a criminal. The first one was a rapist and they killed that fool. The second one I saw was of a guy that robbed the store…. the mob beat the shit out of him and burned him alive. What the fuck, are you serious?? The third time I caught one of these vids I almost changed the channel but I had to see it through. They beat a guy, another thief. I guess when you steal from people that already have nothing you’re elligible for a roasting. Anyway, the dude was almost unconscious when they were going to light him on fire but the plans were foiled because nobody had any petrol. Everyone went home…. lucky break? Pobre compa.

Next time you find yourself thinking what it really looks like to see someone get their face blown off, look out for ‘Al Extremo’. I don’t go looking for this show, it finds me. Usually while eating and channel surfing, PUTA MADRE.

I’ve found myself watching several episodes of History Channel’s Gang Land. Here they profile the most popular gangs in the United States and give an insight into how they work and the crimes they commit:

The funny thing is that after a few minutes I can immediately determine if it’s a legitimate dope gang or just a bunch of idiots that got together because they had nothing better to do. I’ve noticed that the best ones have actual structure, specifically adopted from the military. The wack ones are the ones that are very loose and has every man for himself.

The next thing to look at is purpose. The object is to control, dominate, and intimidate, which likely leads to some form of respect from outsiders or rival gangs. Monetary gain is a given, but I’ve seen one that’s called the “Get Money Crew” which is comprised of scum who’s sole purpose is to gain money and flaunt it. No core values, no agenda. Get Paid.

That’s another aspect of something you can respect from a gang: core values. The better organized ones have set rules, no rats, no civilian casualties, no sex offenders, no killing of women and children. That sounds good to me, do your thing, kill who ever gets in your way but leave regular people alone. The ones that disgust are the ones that are no holds barred and everything is game to them.

Anyway, it’s obvious that the show is pro-gang, or at least glorifies gangs because that’s what the show is about and that’s what will get them ratings. There’s an informative aspect to the show, but the reason I watch is for the unintentional comedy. The narrator has that “movie guy” voice but often he decides to drop some slang while explaining what’s going on, usually slang specific to said gang. Usually after he drops the slang term (like “he decided to ‘drop a dime’”) the screen flashes to a dictionary type font with the definition of the term. “Informed the police”.

The funny thing is that by the end of the episode the narrator usually starts stringing together terms which sounds hilarious coming from such a ‘proper’ voice. He’ll say some shit like:

“That’s when he decided to hit up his homies to perform a kickdoor. He was slangin’ birds but they ratted on him so now it was a smile now cry later proposition.”

Hahahaha shiiit. It’s interesting to see them profile the more popular gangs but you can tell that they are running out of material when they focus on middle American gangs comprised of 10 guys trying to gain respect. What the hell? A bunch of guys dressed alike drinking and smoking. Ooooh watch out.